September 18, 2009. 6:26 am

Before I log on all things bi-polar and whatever else enters my head, I want to start with my story. Ín 1999, I was living and working in Seattle. I had a cushy job in cubicalville and a great boyfriend. In the summer of 2000; June to be exact, I couldn't sleep. This had been a problem since I was fourteen. I would usually go two weeks without much sleep and because of my highs, I thought this was all part of my creative process.

But this time around was completely different. I couldn't sleep for a month. I tried everything I could legally try, but nothing worked. Each night I didn't sleep, I literally felt like bangning my head against a wall to push out all the rapid thoughts that were racing around in my tired brain.

Finally, someone suggested I go to the hospital. So, I went to the E.R. and after talking to me and observing me, I was diagonsed with type 2 Bi-polar. At that moment, I remember not having much of a reaction. I suppose I was a bit shocked, but I was so tired that I didn't care and I knew nothing about the illness.

I was given some meds to help me sleep and then referred to a counsellor. My first counsellor was completely inept. She put me on meds that I never should have been on. On of them was a funny little pill called Zyprexa. When I was diagonsed with the illness, I weighed 180 pounds. I'm 5'9 so I was gettint to a point where I didn't want to put on any more poundage.
I gained 50 pounds on Zyprexa and went off that med very quickly.

After I was diagnosed and put on meds that I believe were maknig my situation worse, I became completely inconsolable. I was staying with a friend and every night I cried uncontrollably. I was very, very sad.

Finally, I had to admit to myself that something was drastically wrong. Looking back, I should have been hospitalized.. but I wasn't. Though I loved Seattle, I was in no shape to stay there. (By this time I had quit my cushy job because I was too emotional) so I moved back to my home town hoping to find the right psychiatrist and the right meds.

In 2003, I suffered another breakdown and checked myself into the hospital for six days. That was the last time I was hospitalized.

So, here I am in 2009, still learning about what it means to be bi-polar and dealing with the day to day.

My goal here is to just log my thougts.. good or ill, funny or not funny- just as they are.
If anyone out there actually reads this... tell me your story.

I will conclude for now.... very tired as I haven't been sleeping.... oh the joys of insanity!!